I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
