Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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