This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
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