I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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