after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
