God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
