Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
