I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
