The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize
