Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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