Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
