she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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