The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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