its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
