you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
