I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
