I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Randomize
