Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
home. puking in laundry basket.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Randomize
