I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
In other news, I just burned my penis
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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