i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
