I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
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