i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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