Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
