Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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