You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
