I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Help. Why am I so naked?
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