Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
It all started with a game of naked twister.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
