I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
