cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
