Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Randomize
