something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
