My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
