She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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