I just cut my nipple shaving
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
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