Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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