So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
