Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Randomize
