What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
