I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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