you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
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