I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
