found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
