I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Randomize
