Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
