Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Mom said you looked used
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
