my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
You're a waste of cheezeits
Randomize
