life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I can text with my tongue
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
