Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Randomize
