Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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