just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
