I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I'm always down for nudity.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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